Falling asleep is the one goal you accomplish by pretending you’ve already accomplished it
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Some time ago, you sold your soul to the Devil. He just gave it back and asked you for a favor.
There’s really no good time to open your front door and find a demon standing on your doormat, but five minutes before you’re supposed to leave for work is an especially bad time.
Of course, no-one else would know that the Devil - or a demon who claimed to be the Biblical Satan, I had no way of knowing for sure - was on my doorstep. He’s wearing a discreet grey suit, which is honestly much more suitable than the flashy black number with the cape he was wearing last time we met. Still wearing the same face, thought.
“I was under the impression,” I say slowly, “that my deal was concluded.”
I suppose everyone has what they feel like pressing reasons for selling their souls. The life of a loved one is a common one. I was careful with my bargain - health, wealth and happiness for all of my children for the period of their natural lives. I wasn’t going to blow my entire immortal soul on just one of them, and then see another one get sick.
“It is,” the demon calling himself Lucifer says slowly. “But I have come to offer you a new bargain.”
I raise my eyebrows. “For what? You already have full post-expiry rights to my immortal soul, subject to fulfilment of all conditions of our contract.”
“And I’m willing to return those… post-expiry rights to you, in exchange for… a favour.” He actually looks embarrassed. I didn’t think demons could get flustered.
“A favour.” I look at my watch. “I have to get to work. Will this favour take long?”
“Yes, it will.” He looks around, looking more flustered than ever. “When would be a… good time, then?”
I check my watch again. “If you can get through it in half an hour, I can fit you in at eleven. If it’s going to take longer, you’ll have to wait until after work.”
“I remember you as being more accommodating,” he says dryly.
“I remember that last time we met, I was the one who wanted something.”
“You don’t want your soul back?”
“I don’t know yet. I don’t know what the price is going to be.” I step out, closing the door behind me. “I’ll tell you what. Meet me outside my office at six. I suppose that under the circumstances, I could give you the courtesy of a free consultation.”
To all the parents out there who bundle their babies up in the winter time with those little hats with the little ears that make them look like little teddy bears: You are doing the lord’s work. Seeing tiny ewoks toddle across the grocery store parking lot is just what we all need sometimes. My joy is immeasurable and my day is restored.
can somebody post the “hmm today i will” meme where they build the tower of babel
its one of the funniest images ever made
just-shower-thoughts